Self-awareness is a scary thing (at least when you’re me)

I read the following quote from George Muller a month ago. Describing his method for effective prayer he said:

I seek at the beginning to get my heart into such a state that it has no will of its own in regard to a given matter. Nine-tenths of the trouble with people generally is just here. Nine-tenths of the difficulties are over come when our hearts are ready to do the Lord’s will, whatever it may be. When one is truly in this state, it is usually but a little way to the knowledge of what His will is.

This statement has been like a hot coal burning in my mind. It has made me realize how many of my prayers are centered on what I want to happen, and not what God wants. I have been trying to “get my heart into such a state that is has no will of it’s own” and it is HARD.

Muller says my goal in prayer should be to jettison what I think is best, what I want, what would be most comfortable for me, and to approach God with a blank slate. I have made it my personal challenge to pray this way about one particular area of my life. Did I say it was hard? It’s been nearly impossible.

Until now, I’ve been blissfully unaware of how much I pray using the phrases “I want,” “I think,” “I need.” Suddenly, I am aware of how much my own motives impact my prayers. When I take the “I” out of my prayers, I don’t know how to pray. The most shocking revelation is that for years, I thought I was praying deeply, intensely, and powerfully.

I’m not saying that the last 8 years of ministry have been for naught. God has done amazing things. I’ve seen babies healed, addicts set free, new life begun, old habits left behind, needs provided, and the Kingdom advanced. God has blessed us beyond measure. But I’ve known somewhere deep inside, that God wanted more … more of me.

Imagine discovering one day that the face you’ve seen in the mirror all of your life really isn’t your face. That is how I feel. It is as if the mirror has been a grand illusion. Instead of having fair skin, red hair, and freckles, it’s as if I really look like the Wicked Witch of the West. I have believed myself to be faithful in prayer, seeking God selflessly and intently. Now I see that I’ve been motivated, at least in part, by my own selfishness. Self-awareness is a scary thing (at least when you’re me).

Praise God that he continues to be patient and merciful. Today, I’m asking him to make his will clear in a particular situation. I’m asking him to help me see the Wicked Witch of the West more clearly. Not so that I will think more meanly of myself, but so that I will really know how much better his ways are than mine. And maybe very soon, I’ll be able to say I’ve gotten my heart into a state where it has no will of its own.

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